This is my Story

I grew up under the false narrative that women: Only had worth if they saved theirselves for marriage, then married, and had kids by the time they were 25. Oh, and before and after doing that, you had to suppress any desire of life experience you wanted to have in order to upkeep the projection of this identity that was imposed on you. 

It turns out, I inherited bi-generational trauma, doubling down on this false belief that who I was, was worth nothing, unless I filled my personality with something else other than me. I lived in a state of self-suppression and people-pleasing for nearly 20 years, developing C-PTSD in that timeframe.

My Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder came with a slew of symptoms: anxiety, depression, insomnia, social anxiety and withdrawal, physiological weakness and random health flare-ups. The list goes on. 

But I knew I was a sassy, spunky, lively, goofy, and healthy individual -- it didn't make sense that a doctor was prescribing me medication for Major Depressive Disorder or General Anxiety Disorder. There had to have been an onset of my C-PTSD. There had to be a blindspot.

So I adopted the mantra, "Never stop being curious" and I kept looking for the answer. And I really did have to look, because frankly, the event of onset was one my brain suppressed instantaneously. The memory was dispersed into fragments, where I "remembered" the big event as multiple events, with myself removed from the scene. As far as my mind knew, the event never happened, but my body would continue to remember it and remind me of it, for the next 15 years until I could see it. 

It wasn't until I realized the fundamental truth of a symbiotic relationship between my trauma and my worth that my life started to take shape. When I realized this, is when I actually recorded a voice memo of the suppressed memory of the traumatic event that caused the onset to my disorder. 

My trauma is essentially my superpower. Connecting with the event, with her: the 15 year-old who was abandoned on a road and had to navigate her way home alone, is what will bring me the most happiness, wealth and success in this world. 

I can choose to blame myself, and leave her behind on the corner of Pac Highway and Brookdale.. 

OR

I can go pick her up, bring her home, validate and embrace her. I can bring her along with me, with each next step of my journey.

The only way I was able to find her though, was by using my voice.

Speak.

Listen.

Question: What am I saying? Why do I believe this? How did that happen?

And always always always -- finding the truth in this process. The real and raw details of what happened.

Keep the story straight.

Repeat this until the day you die, and we will increase the human lifespan. 

My voice saved my life. 

Your voice can save your life too.